Hi everyone!! It’s me again. CPB up in here, as a new girlface MJL calls me. Hi Maroo. She’s a doll. I think in this post as much as I’ll be shedding some personal skin, light, weight & worry… I want to say thank you and I love you to my family and friends who’ve stuck by me during this um, whatever self mutilation dis-ease combination I’ve been putting myself through.

eh-heh. ::insert sweating smiling emoji:: MY BAD. Yes it is definitely my bad but HEY – pretty sure I’ve had enough!!!!!!!

Okay, on a serious note : I want to start off with expressing gratitude (best attitude) for feeling the way I do right now : at ease. ie, Pain free, none swelling, nerves calm, and just… right here & now, peaceful. Waaaay up I feel blessed! This is life! This is living.. I REMEMBER THIS… MORE PLEASE. And it really only took the additives of a mani/pedi followed by a yoga class, to get the good juju flowing again and calm the fuck down.

Both activities I’ve used as self-care all the time before, when life as a whole seemed a bit.. clearer.

…Then I think I fell off the horse.

Won’t say its been easy for me as of late, but I do a damn good job hiding it. Those that know, know some.. and those that don’t, really, really don’t. I’m here now to recondition my voice, no not my signing voice, ( I can harmonize sure..& I DO have a bestie with a set of PIPES.. hi Pres ) but for me it’s my writing voice, my speaking voice, my HEAR ME ROAR Cait-call because do I have much value to add, that has been suppressed for too many moons..

What the hell have I been waiting for?

Well, I’m here now, feeling GREAT, ready to dive head first shedding light on the suck because i’d like to acknowledge my hardships and then light them all on fire and never look back K? OKAY!

Seems like, (yes) I’ve been holding back so much because I don’t know where to start, how to start, or what to start. I have 87,000 ideas and have not pulled the trigger on any. Loser. Guess you could say I’m scared. What to do? Who to do it with? I’ll never figure that out if I continue to SAY/DO NOTHING — I do know how to write and speak.. THAT’S AN IDEA.
So here we are, once again dancing with this blinking cursor. And that’s a start. If you’ll excuse me while I get out of my own way, and as choppy, and all over the place my writings may start, once more, I promise to get-it-together as I find my flow.

disclaimer * A part of me doesn’t want to write about whats been going on in my daily – to do. It’s been shitty mostly and none of my favorite past times when things are not so grand. However, it is the truth and no matter how ugly, a bird or two has told me that the truth will set you free! oh please, pick me truth. I’d much rather write on all the beautiful and inspiring things in life and all to be happy about and work towards and miss positive patty, yet experience is the best teacher and life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies; my journey has led me here so I shall share what I know :o) and if it helps you too, well SWEEEEEEEEET

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Maybe as of the last 2-3 years (ew) I’ve been anxious, depressed, or a combination of the two .. just as if “It’s all in my head”, and well yes. That is correct. I have kept this all in my head, writing blog post after blog post (in theory) with only my thoughts and never actually releasing said angst and aguish. You know, actually *taking action* in writing, and instead manifesting severe levels of cortisol (stress) in every way shape and form. Yes, the human body is that powerful on both disease or determination, two different kinds of magic mind power.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I’ve just been in a lot of PAIN, …..shit.

mini CB Example: This morning I woke up feeling 100% less than perfect, more like 92 years old, rather than fine and 29. What I mean by this is : unnecessary pain, everywhere. Joints, hands, fingers, toes. Back, bloodstream, and bones. You name it. Feels like i’ve been hit by a truck some mornings, afternoons and evenings & even a combination of all 3 at times. WHAT. —can we tell i’m over it? && now 12 hours later I feel I can actually roll with some punches and hopefully get my groove back. Sure, I have good days and bad days as does everyone, but mine happen to be from one extreme to another.. normal to…..I’ll say almost ded because it certainly feels that way sometimes, has physically looked this way more as of late, and at one or two points in my 12 year history of battling some silly dis-ease, it’s been WAAAY too close.

Lupus, or Let Us Persist Until Saved is one uuuuugly demon. An auto-immune condition where your body literally attacks its own tissue causing unwanted inflammation and pain, amongst a bunch of other complications, but that has been the most prominent in my case. Oh wait! * And newly it has totally torn apart my face because of the slight medications I’m on resulting in acne, (never had) dry cracked skin, redness everywhere and my hair is straw like and weak — otherwise I opted taking a more holistic route during *this* flare up. I almost cannot believe that this is my life right now. HOW is this my life right now. I’m going to take my back life RIGHT NOW. yeeeeeeeeeeesh. okay I had to get that out. thx.

Of course I could continue to elaborate on the suck but I came here to write because I finally feel GOOD, normal. Just a regular ol’ gal. And it’s a great feeling!!! I’d like more of this please.

I think no one really wants a shit storm of life brewing in their backseat. Quite doubtful actually. However, if it does happen, remember to be kind to yourself while going through this and choose that it will not last forever.

*something I’m now reminding myself of daily : I am in control of me, & the art of self-mastery*

Clearly I have some things to change, heal & feeeeeeeel….BETTER. Once again.

There are some serious ups and downs with any type of autoimmunity, and I whole heartedly believe that they are first, manageable and then a step further curable, given the right intentions, information and mindset. HUGE emphasis on mindset.

I love the feeling of everything going right, don’t you? When you’re having that day of all things wonderful and flow, almost as if magic starts to happen… those are the best. *everything is working out for me* repeat this to yourself – because everything IS working out for you!

With this, I’m planning to morph back into my healthy self and heal thy self. Using everything under the sun I can think of (watch out) to assist my healing and feeling GREAT ❤ I hope to bring along, guide, thought provoke, and inspire anyone else who can relate or benefit in some way!! Sorry for my mini tantrum up there ^ I guess I had to get that out, but .. we still in this bitch 😉 GO time.

❤ Caitlin

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