thought – time & luxury

Stepping Into Your Power

Hi everyone!! It’s me again. CPB up in here, as a new girlface MJL calls me. Hi Maroo. She’s a doll. I think in this post as much as I’ll be shedding some personal skin, light, weight & worry… I want to say thank you and I love you to my family and friends who’ve stuck by me during this um, whatever self mutilation dis-ease combination I’ve been putting myself through.

eh-heh. ::insert sweating smiling emoji:: MY BAD. Yes it is definitely my bad but HEY – pretty sure I’ve had enough!!!!!!!

Okay, on a serious note : I want to start off with expressing gratitude (best attitude) for feeling the way I do right now : at ease. ie, Pain free, none swelling, nerves calm, and just… right here & now, peaceful. Waaaay up I feel blessed! This is life! This is living.. I REMEMBER THIS… MORE PLEASE. And it really only took the additives of a mani/pedi followed by a yoga class, to get the good juju flowing again and calm the fuck down.

Both activities I’ve used as self-care all the time before, when life as a whole seemed a bit.. clearer.

…Then I think I fell off the horse.

Won’t say its been easy for me as of late, but I do a damn good job hiding it. Those that know, know some.. and those that don’t, really, really don’t. I’m here now to recondition my voice, no not my signing voice, ( I can harmonize sure..& I DO have a bestie with a set of PIPES.. hi Pres ) but for me it’s my writing voice, my speaking voice, my HEAR ME ROAR Cait-call because do I have much value to add, that has been suppressed for too many moons..

What the hell have I been waiting for?

Well, I’m here now, feeling GREAT, ready to dive head first shedding light on the suck because i’d like to acknowledge my hardships and then light them all on fire and never look back K? OKAY!

Seems like, (yes) I’ve been holding back so much because I don’t know where to start, how to start, or what to start. I have 87,000 ideas and have not pulled the trigger on any. Loser. Guess you could say I’m scared. What to do? Who to do it with? I’ll never figure that out if I continue to SAY/DO NOTHING — I do know how to write and speak.. THAT’S AN IDEA.
So here we are, once again dancing with this blinking cursor. And that’s a start. If you’ll excuse me while I get out of my own way, and as choppy, and all over the place my writings may start, once more, I promise to get-it-together as I find my flow.

disclaimer * A part of me doesn’t want to write about whats been going on in my daily – to do. It’s been shitty mostly and none of my favorite past times when things are not so grand. However, it is the truth and no matter how ugly, a bird or two has told me that the truth will set you free! oh please, pick me truth. I’d much rather write on all the beautiful and inspiring things in life and all to be happy about and work towards and miss positive patty, yet experience is the best teacher and life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies; my journey has led me here so I shall share what I know :o) and if it helps you too, well SWEEEEEEEEET

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Maybe as of the last 2-3 years (ew) I’ve been anxious, depressed, or a combination of the two .. just as if “It’s all in my head”, and well yes. That is correct. I have kept this all in my head, writing blog post after blog post (in theory) with only my thoughts and never actually releasing said angst and aguish. You know, actually *taking action* in writing, and instead manifesting severe levels of cortisol (stress) in every way shape and form. Yes, the human body is that powerful on both disease or determination, two different kinds of magic mind power.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I’ve just been in a lot of PAIN, …..shit.

mini CB Example: This morning I woke up feeling 100% less than perfect, more like 92 years old, rather than fine and 29. What I mean by this is : unnecessary pain, everywhere. Joints, hands, fingers, toes. Back, bloodstream, and bones. You name it. Feels like i’ve been hit by a truck some mornings, afternoons and evenings & even a combination of all 3 at times. WHAT. —can we tell i’m over it? && now 12 hours later I feel I can actually roll with some punches and hopefully get my groove back. Sure, I have good days and bad days as does everyone, but mine happen to be from one extreme to another.. normal to…..I’ll say almost ded because it certainly feels that way sometimes, has physically looked this way more as of late, and at one or two points in my 12 year history of battling some silly dis-ease, it’s been WAAAY too close.

Lupus, or Let Us Persist Until Saved is one uuuuugly demon. An auto-immune condition where your body literally attacks its own tissue causing unwanted inflammation and pain, amongst a bunch of other complications, but that has been the most prominent in my case. Oh wait! * And newly it has totally torn apart my face because of the slight medications I’m on resulting in acne, (never had) dry cracked skin, redness everywhere and my hair is straw like and weak — otherwise I opted taking a more holistic route during *this* flare up. I almost cannot believe that this is my life right now. HOW is this my life right now. I’m going to take my back life RIGHT NOW. yeeeeeeeeeeesh. okay I had to get that out. thx.

Of course I could continue to elaborate on the suck but I came here to write because I finally feel GOOD, normal. Just a regular ol’ gal. And it’s a great feeling!!! I’d like more of this please.

I think no one really wants a shit storm of life brewing in their backseat. Quite doubtful actually. However, if it does happen, remember to be kind to yourself while going through this and choose that it will not last forever.

*something I’m now reminding myself of daily : I am in control of me, & the art of self-mastery*

Clearly I have some things to change, heal & feeeeeeeel….BETTER. Once again.

There are some serious ups and downs with any type of autoimmunity, and I whole heartedly believe that they are first, manageable and then a step further curable, given the right intentions, information and mindset. HUGE emphasis on mindset.

I love the feeling of everything going right, don’t you? When you’re having that day of all things wonderful and flow, almost as if magic starts to happen… those are the best. *everything is working out for me* repeat this to yourself – because everything IS working out for you!

With this, I’m planning to morph back into my healthy self and heal thy self. Using everything under the sun I can think of (watch out) to assist my healing and feeling GREAT ❤ I hope to bring along, guide, thought provoke, and inspire anyone else who can relate or benefit in some way!! Sorry for my mini tantrum up there ^ I guess I had to get that out, but .. we still in this bitch 😉 GO time.

❤ Caitlin

Share something with me back, if you feel compelled 🙂

Do You Inspire You?

What fuels your fire? What is it that turns that ‘some day’ idea into a right NOW manifesto? What do you ZOOM in on looking through the lenses of life?

I ask this because I FINALLY realize that you don’t *really* have anything to lose, more so everything to gain, and should just go for it, whatever that may be.

You are the creator of your experience.

— JUMP BABY, JUMP!

You can watch all the podcasts, listen to the right people, take all the best notes, go to the greatest school, and literally be a trust fund baby…(not I) and still wind up not happy or not in a state of flow and abundance.

REALITY CHECK : Boss up & change ya life.

I found myself getting caught up in my own head — suffering from analysis paralysis as friend mentioned.. causing me to do nothing but make excuses. Gross. Not who I am.

I felt as if I needed to be better, do better, have accomplished MORE before I could begin. WHAT? …as I write that now I do see how crazy that sounds , and you do too – so lets learn a bit from the semi self sabotage I’ve caused myself & do not wish to continue 🙂

You can either make decisions or excuses.

Once you DECIDE on something, the universe conspires to make it so. Good OR bad.
Be mindful of what you’re telling yourself. If you say you can, you can! If you say you can’t, well… don’t do that. It’s crazy how much power our self talk has over us, so much that whatever we tell ourselves is what we attract!

I encourage you to encourage yourself, be your own cheerleader.
* Try not to get that confused with self absorbed, I’m talking more so self aware.*

A thought leader of Generations XYZ and the next, Gary Vaynerchuck mentions in multiple podcasts, on how important it is to be self aware.

If you know who you are, you’re ahead of the game.
If you don’t, well, I’d highly advise looking deeper into your S O U L.

Some questions to ask yourself to get those creative juices flowing :

What are you good at?
What makes you happy?
What do people call on YOU for?
DO YOU INSPIRE YOU?

There’s a multitude of things that give you your YOUness. Embrace them!

In short,
The journey of life is the best part, there really is no ‘destination’. We all just want to love and be loved. First, we must start with ourselves. So while trekking along, do you fuel your own fire? I hope so. It’s human nature to seek growth and change, & the self discovery along the way, that’s the real prize.

Whatcha looking at?

Ever feel like you’re MIA and everywhere at the same time?
Kinda how its been for me these past few days, weeks, months. (:

Maybe I was just going through the motions, but what motions exactly?
I sort of felt like a dog chasing my own tail, and damn I’m dizzy.

A confused mind does nothing – Get clear on what it is you want, and how to get there.

I’ll tell ya at 27, so far ‘adulting’ is quite interesting to say the least. We were not put here to just pay bills and die, I SWEAR. And for the record, I definitely don’t have it all figured out, and that’s what I think makes it exciting, figuring out what works, and what doesn’t.

I do however have a great big list of what NOT to do 😀 — learned a lot.

*just keep swimming*

We might get wrapped up in what I’m calling ‘screen envy’ .. looking at someone else’s BEST moment and comparing them to your RIGHT now. #guilty
*cut that outttttt* U R AWESOME, right now & always. There I said it. You should too!

It took a – disconnect & reconnect + to get my mind & body right again.

My latest 4 months was filled with no job, fat swollen legs, multiple ER visits, and a FUGLY rash -__- I’ve decided to stop having a quarter life crisis and get a grip; & snap back to reality.

HellO, it’s me.

It wasn’t ALL bad though, I’ve also had a birthday, gotten PT certified, and highly improved my ‘books I’ve read’ list thus far for 2016.

SO TO RECONNECT WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD WE LIVE IN GUYS :

I Took a trip with my gal-pal PRESLEY and we went to the Barnegat Lighthouse —
Off the screen and into the scene
(yes I know you’re reading this on a screen and for that I am grateful, thx keep reading :] )

**look photos**

* that last one is a doozy ^^

wwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :insert upside-down smiley emoji:

Had a grand ol’ time, tryna lure in the cutie filled Coast Guard boat to make some friends, and constantly snap photos with our ‘frou frous’ as I called our wispy pieces of hair flying all over the place.

Needed this crisp refresher after the months of suck, and I can actually believe it wasn’t an alcoholic beverage ^^ LOL

If you would like to follow along while you’re doing your own cool shit :

snapchat – @iwannabcait

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That’s all for now!

PASSION

Passion.

When you hear that word, what comes to mind?
Music, Art, Writing, Sports? … Dinosaurs, Doritos, Diamonds?!

Passion is what drives you, fuels you. Passion is the great energizer.

Call it your “why”. Why you do the things you do. Are you happy, passionately living your daily life? Why do you get up in the morning? Rather .. What gets you up in the morning, bouncing out of bed at 5, 6, 7am, whatever your schedule. It could be your profession, or job. Is that your passion? Only you can answer that. And its a question worth pondering. If you’re lucky, and by lucky I mean consistently working your ass off day in and day out on yourself to create, yes create, the life you desire then you’re probably high on the passion potion, and trust me there’s plenty.

You could say I’m at some sort of crossroads, eager to go go go, but where the HELL AM I GOING? Easier said than done. Fake it till you make it, or fake it until you become it rather – YES. As a girl that’s landed back where she’s started and danced around with a few different endeavors I’m boiling the water & trimming away the fat — and searching, creating and fueling my passions.

What reignited this realization, was the other day while spooning some ‘basic’ pumpkin ice cream a colleague proposed, “Imagine all of your conversations and thoughts were only about the lifestyle & experiences you wanted?!” Wow, that hit home… and I added, ‘And we only focused our energy on the positives and how to improve the quality of our lives?!’ .. The mood lightened, and we all drifted deep in thought — which lasted for about 10-20 seconds until some other conversation was sparked & regained our immediate attention. L O L

So during those rare few seconds, we were free & clear, it was blissful.
Where’d we go — what came to mind — what were we a l l o w i n g ourselves to bring into our mental spotlight?

Imagine if we DID do this more often.. like a lot , daily, regularly, habitually.
The little catch phrase of ‘living the dream’, would actually apply.
Our lives CAN be filled with joy and abundance and gratitude, if we let it.

So where does your mind go when it wanders? Take some notes, you’ll be happy you did.

As for myself, a few things DO come to mind, which brings us here. I’ve always wanted a blog, because I have a lot to say.. but I myself am my biggest critic so sometimes when I sit down to write … this happens :

and nothing gets done. ( I just bought a new Macbook, so naturally I had a field day with Photo Booth)

Writing is a new thing, so if you’ve come this far.. bear with me. I’ll improve. I’m just trying to get my voice heard, find my audience.

MY REAL passion — is fashion. AND LOOK AT THAT IT RHYMES. *the little things*
I’ve loved shopping shoes and style more than school, studying, sleeping(yesiknow), and any other less than savvy s-word.
In fact, I went on an impromptu photo shoot earlier today, because its FUN. Clothing is what drives me, freedom of expression, the quality of the garment, how you feel when you wear it. I could go on, I will, another time. I would post the pictures from today if we didn’t have some technical difficulties (newbies).. so instead ill give you my Lady Gaga-esq shots :

BORN THIS WAY BABYYY – And speaking of birth: did I mention my birthday’s Christmas? So I’m a walking ho-ho holiday =]
Less than 3 months people! DAMN HOW TIME FLIES WHEN YOU’RE HAVING FUN >>>>

So as we wrap this up, I just encourage you to.. go for it. Yeah, be like Nike, YOU KNOW. Whatever it is. Whatever you want. JUST……… DO IT. I understand it’s our first time at this whole human thing; (if it’s not please email me about your past life, SPARING NO DETAILS) we’re all just spinning in circles trying to figure it out.

Find your spark, your fire, your character. What makes you, you!
You’ve been casted as the lead role in a movie called LIFE and you’re runnin’ the show.

3…2…1… A C T I O N